(source) - Earlier this month, doctors reportedly performed life-saving surgery to remove a nine-pound hairball from an 18-year-old girl's stomach. The huge hairball was apparently the result of the teen compulsively eating bits of her own hair and wool chunks from a carpet. Fair warning: Pictures of the bloody hunk of hair and wool, embedded below, are exactly as disgusting as you'd expect.
Ayperi Alekseeva, from the Batken Province in Kyrgyzstan, reportedly couldn't eat food or drink any liquids without becoming ill. Eventually, doctors in Kyrgyzstan's capital, Bishkek, discovered the gargantuan hairball blocking Alekseeva's digestive system and performed emergency surgery.
"The parents brought her in after she started losing weight, and she couldn't eat anything," Professor Bahadir Bebezov, who performed the surgery, told Metro UK. "By the time we got her, should could not even drink water. We realized we needed to operate immediately. It was actually the only alternative, nothing else would solve the problem." Bebezov added, "In fact, her stomach was so badly swollen from hair and bits of wool from the carpet that it literally just oozed out soon as the wall of the stomach was cut."
According to Bebezov, Alekseeva is recovering nicely and has promised to stop eating her own hair.
"It's so gross, it's disgusting, it's sickening..." yada yada yada. I get it, shit's nasty. But my whole thing here is that she's gonna stop eating her own hair now? Uh, hey moron, are you fucking kidding me? You're sitting on (or I guess ingesting) a god damn gold mine and you're just gonna throw it all away cus the surgery was icky? Look, I'll admit I don't know much about hairballs, but I can GUARANTEE you that nobody else has ever had a legitimate fetus sized hairball removed from their stomach besides this girl right here. That's a world record, Alekseeva. You don't just let world record ability go to waste. You set one record, now your next goal has to be beating it. That's how champions live, girl. That's how champions live.
"Wait, how is a world record a gold mine? Do you get paid for world records?" I don't fuckin know, dude. Ask the Guiness people. But I'll tell you what world records do get you: endorsements. If this girl isn't doing some sort of commercial for Pantene Pro-V or Garnier within the next year, then she's doing life wrong. Just her swallowing some shampoo and then showing an X-ray of her stomach hair just looking healthy as fuck. I dunno, you can tweak the details later, but first you gotta be putting in the effort to keep this dream alive, Alekseeva. I feel like I'm the only one with any kind of forward thinking around here anymore.