Researchers may have finally discovered why panda bears are so finicky about their mates. It could be that nothing satisfies quite like the pleasure paw.
World Wildlife Federation researchers caught this panda allegedly touching himself following a meal of bamboo in the forests of Sichuan province. (There's no date cheaper than a date with yourself!) If the bear was really caught having "a quick wank," as Shanghaist suggests, it might be a first for science. Or it might be a joke that sailed over our heads. Who cares. Look at him go!
So I've been admittedly harsh on pandas ever since I found out that they don't like to fuck each other, hence why they're endangered. Most of the time humanity is to blame for the ending of a given species. Whether it be by us just murdering them all or us ruining their habitat, you can usually put money down that we we're the assholes. But pandas? They just fuckin spit in the face of evolution, like they don't even give a shit. Like they know more than we do about why we're supposed to be here or something. Fuck pandas, I used to say. But today, I get it. Today I step back and give pandas a pass in my book, and here's why:
sex is work, people. Sure, it's amazing, feels great, shows a strong connection between two people, etc. But it's also sweaty, usually smelly, can induce cramps, and can also lead to certain expectations being severely underachieved by one or both parties (not speaking from experience obvs). But you know what's always enjoyable every time you do it? Whackin. Whackin is great and we all know it. Male or female, nobody knows you like you know you. When I go down on myself I can guarantee I'm cumming eleven times out of ten. When a female does it, well who knows. Lot of variables there: how talented is she, am I attracted to her, am I of a suitable balance of sobriety vs. inebriation, so on and so on. Solo time takes those variables out of the equation. Then when you factor in the perceived overall lazy attitude of the panda, you can't help but say, "yeah, I get it."
So fellow humans, while we may not be able to shake our evolutionary need to breed, let's take the time to tip our collective hat to a species that may have beaten the system: they just let us do their breeding for them and then get fat, sleep, and jerk it on the reg. Well played, pandas. Well played.