(source) - If you dream of a world where people use air-powered umbrellas that resemble personal massagers to fight the rain, you can wake up. The future is now. The creators of a new Kickstarter campaign claim to have developed an umbrella that pushes air against the rain to protect its owner from getting wet, and they've blown way past their $10,000 funding goal. They call it the Air umbrella.
There's a lot to digest here. Is it real? Doesn't this seem like an overly complicated solution to a fairly simple problem? Wasn't that fairly simple problem already solved by, um, normal umbrellas? And doesn't the Air umbrella look a lot like a sex toy? The makers of the Air Umbrella didn't respond to our emails, so we took to the Kickstarter page’s FAQ section for some answers. Apparently, it has been tested "with rain coming down at an angle," so, yeah. Unfortunately or luckily (depending on your disposition), the product may change significantly before it goes to market. The China-based makers of the umbrella say in a promotional video that they “are making great efforts to improve the appearance, handness and battery life of our product.” What does “handness” mean? What the hell is going on? Who knows.
Rainy, shitty day outside. No better time than now to discuss the latest innovations in umbrella technology. Personally, I'm all in on the Air Umbrella. Yeah there are questions about it's design and whether or not it's even real. Yeah it looks like a massive vibrator. Yeah umbrellas do a pretty good job of blocking rain from hitting you as is. But you know also what umbrellas do a pretty good job of? Poking your eyes out and scratching the shit out of you when held by people with little to no awareness of what's going on around them. And guess what? That describes like 75% of people who use umbrellas.
Why, just this morning I was leaving the subway on my way to an early morning work shift when a hefty lady in front of me, waddling up the stairs at a pace that slow motion would have been offended by, failed to realize that she was holding her umbrella perpendicular to the ground, AKA the pointy end was sticking right in my fucking eye. Sure, my faster pace made it more of a threat than she may have intended, but if you're walking up crowded stairs like an oversized snail then you gotta know that people are gonna be hot on your trail, so have some fucking awareness and hold your umbrella out in front of you.
Can we expect every moronic hefty person* to all of a sudden think about things a little bit more than they do and notice shit around them? No. Which is why we need these Chinese engineers to figure out how to perfect Air Umbrella. So please, people, do what you can to help this noble cause and we can put a stop to the unnecessary dangers that accompany rainy days like this one.... Or just stop being a fucking idiot and realize you have a god damn umbrella with pointy ends that can poke people taller than you in the eye. It's not my fault you're short, alright? God just didn't like you as much. Deal with it and get your shit together. Bad weather is no excuse for dumb.... I'm sorry, clearly this is a touchy subject for me, so just help make Air Umbrella a reality today.
P.S. This company is sketch as shit though, right? Don't even show their product til like the last 30 seconds of the video? That's reassuring to investors. Shrouded in mystery. Smart.
* Sure, weight isn't normally a factor in terms of moron, but in a situation where space is an issue, such as passing a moron on a tight staircase, it becomes a variable.