8 weeks in to this NFL season, what have we learned? Shit's all fucked up, that's what. Nothing makes sense anymore this year. So let's take a look at some things that we thought we knew going in to this year vs. the harsh reality of what is actually happening:
- The Seahawks are a lock for a repeat
Oh how the mighty have fallen. I'll be honest, after winning their first Super Bowl last year, Seahawks fans have slowly crept toward the top of my "fuck, you guys are an annoying fanbase" list (do I understand the hypocrisy of a Philadelphia fan writing about other fans being annoying?... nope). We get it, your stadium is loud. Hats off to your engineers and architects, now stop acting like you're the only passionate fanbase in sports... So it's been sort of satisfying seeing them slip in to the realm of playoff uncertainty. Their defense isn't nearly as intimidating as it was last year, Richard Sherman hasn't done too much to earn his shit-talking, Beast Mode is apparently not the most locker-room friendly guy (who would've thunk it), and the team is having heated debates over the issues tackled on "Black-ish"*.
Now, is Seattle still one of the toughest places to play in the league? Yes. Is Russell Wilson still one of the most dynamic QB's in the league? Yes. When healthy and clicking, is this defense still one of, if not THE best around? Yes. So is a return trip to the big one still a realistic possibility? Obviously, but losing to the Austin Davis (so hard to not call him Austin Rivers for some reason) led Rams and dropping one at home to the Jerry Jones's so far this season, exacerbated by the perceived in house drama, has definitely chipped away at the aura of intimidation that the Seahawks brought in to this season. With nobody scared anymore, it'll be interesting to see how they put together enough W's to get themselves back to playoffs, let alone the Super Bowl.
- The Cowboys defense will be the worst of all time
Fuck whoever came up with this idea prior to opening day. Had me all pumped that the Cowboys would be the joke of the league. Instead, Demarco Murray and their offensive line have helped the Cowboys' D be not that bad by simply keeping them off the field. The Jones Family Traveling Sideshow has averaged 12 less snaps per game on defense than they did last season. That's 3 possessions of extra rest that they're getting, keeping their mediocreness in check with fresh legs. Meanwhile, on offense, Tony Romo just has to snap the ball, hand it to Murray and watch the clock run down. Is it boring as fuck? Yup, and equally as effective. But the formula is dependent upon consistent health for their stars, which hasn't been Murray's calling card through his career. Add on the back surgery that Romo is coming off of, and there is a strong possibility that this team falls off as quickly as it has risen if one of those two goes down. Got a little taste of it last night, which leads me to my next false truth...
- RGIII will stay healthy and the Redskins will be viable, and hopefully change their name. Also, Colt McCoy is dead.
Wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong! RGIII is just as fragile as ever, the Redskins are the worst team in the NFC East, Dan Snyder is best friends with indians so the name's totally cool, and Colt McCoy is alive and winning football games like hotcakes! Just waltzing right in to Jerry World and winning with a joke of a team under the control of Chucky's outcast sibling! White guy fives like whoah!
That's all I've got on this, really. Redskins suck balls but last night was pretty hilarious. Now for real, change your fucking name you morons.
- Peyton Manning will still be the best QB in the league until playoff time.
... Okay this one's true. But still, win a damn Super Bowl and then get back to me, Peyton. Records are cool and all, but rings get sexier chicks. Ask around.
- This is the Falcons year to put it all together/ Penalties against your own team are bad.
Wow. Hard fought win there, Atlanta. Chance to turn the season arou.... oh wait what? Delay of game on the Lions? Oh, well just decline the penalty... You can't decline a delay of game, so they have to kick the field goal again? Well he missed from 38 so he's got no chance from 43, right?
- Johnny Football will be starting by week 4.
Tell that to Big Game Brian. Admittedly, JFF is probably going to be in before the season's end because the Browns are so good at being bad as soon as people start thinking they're good, but so far Cleveland has looked surprisingly competent and Hoyer is showing that his little spurt last season may not have been a mirage. Better grab a Snickers, Johnny, cus you may be waiting a while before that first start.
- Tom Brady is over the hill and Gronk can't stay healthy.
- The Saints are the only NFC team capable of challenging the Seahawks.
Hey Drew, good game this weekend and all, but as your fantasy owner I demand an explanation for your team's inability to score consistently all season. Meanwhile, Rob Ryan's ridiculously good looks have not translated in to the good defensive play that we all thought was a given, leaving a pre-season favorite with major playoff doubts. Their only saving grace is that their division is awful, so if they string together some big W's, like this weekend's over A-Rod and the Pack, then we may have reason to re-accept this truth come February.
- Green Bay can R-E-L-A-X
I've never seen ESPN ejaculate so much over a fucking quote. Seriously, I think I saw over 5 video remixes centering around this stupid sound bite, and while I don't have anything against Aaron Rodgers per say, I am actively rooting for unrest in Green Bay this season. And guess what? You shouldn't fucking relax cus your defense is spotty as shit and unless A-Rod is playing out of his mind and faking spikes to win you games, then there's a solid chance you miss the playoffs. So panic, Green Bay. Panic like you've wanted to all along.... You can thank the Worldwide Leader for my hatred, cheeseheads.
- Roger Goodell will resign.
Those are just a few of the pre-opening-day truths that have proven to be false thus far, but there are obviously plenty more. Basically, all you need to know is that nobody really knows anything at this point in the season. Other than the Broncos, no team has looked consistently great. "Top contenders" look phenomenal one week and then miserable the next. Time is a flat circle. All I know is, this inability to ever know what the fuck is really going on is what makes the football season awesome. So here's to predicting unpredictability. Savor these next 9 weeks, folks.
* Honestly, the "is Russell Wilson black enough" story is the biggest load of horseshit ever, and is exactly what I HATE about major sports networks. "Hey, we need a story, this domestic abuse thing has run it's course. Oh I know! Let's just say that Russell Wilson acts too white. Race is a seller 10 times out of 10." Russell Wilson is the man, his teammates clearly love him, he's a great QB and has led a team to a Super Bowl, so spare me the rabble rising, CBS Sports. Good thing we still got Charles Barkley to give it to us straight:
from USA TODAY - “He was black enough last year when they were winning,” Barkley said. “Now that they’re losing he’s not black enough? I don’t think he changed in six months.”