Look by now we've pretty much all been forced to accept that the draft is now held on a weeknight instead of being a great reason to have an awesome weekend, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still have it's moments. And let's be honest, it's football, we're obviously going to watch it with an unexplainable erection that lasts from 8 to... well, whenever the first round ends. But let's try and find some things to look for to enhance the stimulation. Let's increase our football boners, together, by exploring the hidden gems that the draft contains.
Fun Things to Look For in the Draft Tonight:
1) New Walk Up Songs!
- Fun Uncle Roger (just kidding, fuck your face)! Giving the kids a chance to explore their artistic side and play a walk up song of their choosing when their names are announced! I know it's going to be regulated as hell, but I'm just praying that one dude snuck in a ridiculous song, something that would force the likes of Berman and Kiper to respond and provide some sure to be insightful commentary on the impact that choosing that song will have on people's opinions of this guy. I dunno, I keep coming up with R. Kelly "In The Kitchen". I think you could get away with it. The name is kind of obscure, I mean it's suggestive but it could be suggesting a lot of different things. For those who haven't heard it, you're welcome:
Could you imagine Johnny Manziel standing up as R. Kelly's voice booms out "GIRL I'M READY TO TOSS YO' SALAD!" I think Goodell would actually die. I don't know how or really why, but he's just going to drop dead as soon as his brain wraps around the fact that his allowance of this ridiculous little idea led to the biggest PR nightmare in NFL history! (Not, but I will say him being there to hear those lyrics and think about the potential negative financial impact, he'd die)
So cross your fingers for a good song or two.
2) People Booing Everyone
- I always feel like if I were a football player I wouldn't want to be at the draft, unless I KNEW I was sure fire top 5. Then it's kinda cool I guess, mainly cus you don't have to stick around long, but beyond those guys I feel like it's an awkward environment for most. You have to be there for so long, it's embarrassing the longer you're there, and you can guarantee you're going to be booed as soon as you're called. And it's hilarious to watch that. Just so much hate spewed from this crowd of the most awful, rabid and obnoxious percentage of the NFL fanbase (for the most part) toward these guys that they really don't know shit about who are 19-22 years old. I laugh a little every boo I hear, you should, too. The idea is just absurd. Although as I'm typing this I'm wondering if the music is going to drown out the boos, cus that would definitely suck. Fucking Goodell, he knew this would happen!
3) That One Guy...
- There's one every year. The awkward "I was supposed to be a high-first round pick but it's been like 6 hours and I'm still here, alone" guy. Brady Quinn, Geno Smith, Aaron Rodgers (kinda), it's not always that long of a wait, it's more just the idea that they were supposed to get taken earlier and it's just sorta interesting to see how they handle it. I dunno, not much else to say on that, it's just kinda funny for some reason. Probably ESPN brainwashing me to think that like a sucker, but if you dangle football storylines in front of me right now, fuck it I'll bite.
4) Berman, Kiper, Lewis, Gruden Dream Team
- The Idiot, The Know-It-All, The Ginger-Headed Player Fluffer, and The Murderer. I'm sure I'm going to hate them but still watch them for all the wrong reasons. Seriously though, fuckin ESPN is so in my brain, I can't tell if they just throw Berman out there now to just say "da' fuck you gonna do about it?" And tonight? Nothing... I'll watch.
5) Seeing The Contrasting Home Situations Of The Draftees That Aren't There
- Such an underrated part of the Draft. Seriously, it's kind of awesome to see the different groups people are hangin with, the different houses they're settled in, what kind of cell phone they're rockin, what kind of spread they put out, the works. You see every walk of life in this thing and it's always hilarious.
So there it is, a top 5 of the Draft. I'll provide updates as I spot things that are noteworthy.
UPDATE: Apparently we sing the national anthem before Drafts now and apparently the Marines had to send the B squad because, ya know, they fight wars and protect us and they don't care about singing songs before a fucking event where we pick players.
UPDATE 2: I missed my Barry Sanders picture, but that microphone stand game was preposterous! Dude, either adjust the mike or grab an apple box. Although at the same time, totally ignoring it to basically say, "uh, Roger, this was your job to adjust this for me cus I'm the best running back ever and you're an asshole," is actually a pretty tough move. Also, fuck ESPN for that Madden plug. I mean I get it and all, but how random and poorly executed are all of the extra things in the Draft? Kind of hilarious in and of itself.