Hi campers. I am new here at the Shorts Show blog. Writing silly things on the internet will be fun for all of us I am sure, but I feel that in my first piece we should clear up exactly how I feel about most things written on the internet by anyone. It is idiocy of the highest order, myself included, but there are particularly egregious offenders that must be stopped as soon as humanly possible. I am talking about people who post inspirational quotes in some misguided attempt to communicate to the universe how swell and contemplative they are. I’ll admit to throwing up a pithy quote on twitter from time to time, but the following examples are just the worst. Seriously, the people need to know the depths of their idiocy. And thats what I am here for.
1. “... If you can’t deal with me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best.”
I have a piece of advice that I guarantee is more logically sound than this quote, “Don’t take life advice from paranoid schizophrenics.” Now mental illness in no laughing matter, but if I see some poor sap talking to himself on the subway, I do feel bad for the guy, but I sure as shit don’t go asking him for relationship advice much less take said advice and propagate it on the goddamn internet. Just because this particular bit of wisdom happen to come from a blonde with a nice rack that nailed a president 50 years ago doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consider the source. That poor women had a life filled with tragedy almost to the point of farce and I can sympathize, but that being said whatever comes out of her mouth shouldn’t probably be used as evidence that you should do 5 more body shots of tequila and vomit on whomever you're dating. Marilyn Monroe’s worst was overdosing on barbiturates, you should probably be aware of that before you post this crap on twitter.
2. “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
If you post this on the internet you are an asshole. I realize that me talking about posting this quote on the internet on an internet blog is coming through ten tons of irony, but still this needs to stop. There is little you can do less in the universe than posting something on facebook it’s as close to doing nothing with out actually doing anything one can do in the universe; it’s what antimatter is made up of. If you feel good about yourself after posting this on the internet it better be captioning a picture of you putting up mosquito nets in sub-saharan africa with mother Teresa. All I am saying is that I don’t think Gandhi meant throwing this little gem up with kittens making silly faces and monkeys smelling their own farts on facebook. Gandhi took on a world superpower wearing a sheet and not eating; all while trying to get human beings to not act like total assholes to each other, thats incredible. Dropping this knowledge on “Throw Back Thursday” isn’t exactly what Mahatma had in mind.
3. “Do you have a ______ Repost if you love your ______”
Go fuck yourself. Who are these people that feel obligated to do this crap? Where are they coming from? Who gave them paint chips as a child? Do you have a brother/sister/aunt/doberman/spatula/appendix? If you do you should keep showing this picture to strangers to show how much you love them! Because thats how love is really best expressed- anonymously and with some picture someone else picked out and stole from the internet.
Murder rates and riots don’t worry me at all; humans have been doing that crap for ages, this bullshit makes my stomach turn and wonder if the internet is going to fry the human race like ants under a kids magnifying glass. You know why? Because instead of clicking on the “Share” button you know what you should do? Call your damn Mom for once and say, “Hey, I love you.” Trust me on this, it’s super effective and has the added bonus of not making you look like a total ass hat on the internet.
Thats all for now kids, I’m going back to watching soccer. *grumble grumble grumble*