Imagine a day where binge eating, drinking and fire come together for a balls-to-the-wall-rip-roarin’ great time! Happy Fourth of July, patriots! On this day America celebrates our Nation’s birth, competitive eating, getting wasted, firearms and fireworks! It’s painful to see people making the same mistakes every year. Here are some tips for surviving this holiday.
Use a digestive aid. Hey Joey Chestnut, save some wieners for my Dad! There is going to be a lot of excessive eating today, so don’t forget to show your gut some respect. Takes Tums, Lactaid or whatever the hell else you would ingest before indulgent holiday eating. If you had to choke down a couple of Rolaids before your cousin’s wedding in order to enjoy the reception, there’s really no reason why you shouldn’t take the same precaution on this day. A rib or two may grace your presence and you’re not going to say no.
Wear sunblock. Cockiness never wins against the sun. Nothing does. Sunburns are like hangovers that last for days. Even on cloudy days the sun’s rays come out to play, so make like Buff-Bill’s victims and put that lotion on! You’re not a pansy for wearing a high SPF either, you’re a charming, responsible person.
Designate a driver. Writing “cool it” on your hand so that every time you take a sip of your beer you remember to slow down doesn’t always work. People get very excited while drinking and go way too far on holidays in true American fashion. When people set out to binge drink, things can quickly get sloppy. Don’t drink and drive, it’s not worth it. Fun, drunk rides from professional taxi drivers ARE worth it.
Know your sounds. Could be the fireworks, could be gunshots! Firing weapons when the sound can be disguised as a firework seems like an OK idea to some people. This may seem extreme, but it’s worth consideration. Just be extra careful while trekking out to a friend’s barbecue. This not only applies to urban areas, but rural ‘hoods as well. Some America-loving individuals own guns and love to shoot them. Sometimes they’re drunk and reckless when doing so. Avoiding gatherings where guns will make appearances in a safe bet. Hearing a loud pop does not only mean fireworks and crackers. Use caution.
The plastic encasements for fireworks are often colorful with interesting shapes. Never forget that this does not mean that they are toys. If you have never lit a firework in your life, please don’t think it’s a fun idea after you’ve had a few Buds. People die and are severely injured annually from fireworks and the utmost care should be used in handling these dangerous beauts. Don’t get too close and use your instincts around these things. They are quite lovely from afar!
Imagine hard vomiting on Saturday morning with a ferocious sunburn and an angry significant other to deal with. It sounds terrible. By taking a few extra steps one can enjoy the Fourth to the max! Take care of yourself and enjoy Uncle Sam’s special day! And remember that competitive hot-dog eating will never be cool. America.