There is some serious madness happening in our world, today. Planes are getting shot down by rebels, World War rumors are flying around, and Tropical Storms are killing thousands of people every year . As if all these things weren’t causing enough stress, one can’t watch TV without seeing a drama for a Zombie Apocalypse or the Biblical Rapture. Despite what everyone’s personal beliefs are, the chances that things could “get real” are greater than ever. Chaos and death could rule the streets. When the world starts to come undone and shit hits the fan, who will survive? It is hard to say. Who will be the first to go, though? That’s easy, the hipsters.
The hipster’s non-conformist habits also push them toward the non-survivalist side of the spectrum. If you are, in fact, a hipster, or know someone who is, breathe easy. Do you want to know how to survive in the “really real” world? (Not the first season of MTV’s Real-World, which is the only one you actually respect, but the world we could all live in.) Here is some advice.
Forget about your Veganism, Hipster. Train your mind to be willing to eat anything in order to survive. When you’ve been hiding in a basement for three weeks, you may not have dairy-free or meat free option. There could be a can of pork and beans and some evaporated milk. Treat them like gold. The same goes for Gluten. In a post-apocalyptic world, no one will be worried about their weight or perfect digestion.
Be open to clothing that you can run in and wear for weeks at a time, Hip-stuff. Too tight jeans and awkward heels won’t allow you to run through the chaotic streets with any speed. You need to be agile so that you can zip to and fro, ducking the rebel militia. All sorts of flexible, breathable clothing is available at thrift stores! Ladies, wear a supportive bra that you can run in. When push comes to shove, don’t let yourself be braless and vulnerable. (Bras can also double as sling-shots or strangulation devices.)
Manageable hair is key to ultimate survival. If you’re going to shave half of your head, just go ahead and do the whole thing. If you require a special hat to keep your dreads from getting caught in things, consider an easier do. You would have escaped that horse-sized locust had your hair not been so snatchable!
When you’re in an intense situation, do not stop to get another tattoo, Hipsy. There’s just not enough time! Plus, if you get a bunch of dirt from the rubble on it, your skin and blood could become infected and you would die. No Vampire is too uppity for a little tainted blood.
Stop listening to music that is too emotional, slow or thought-provoking. You only need to be focusing on getting pumped up for battle. Bob Dylan inspired tunes are great and all, but wouldn’t inspire a full-fisted, nose-breaking punch. Think to yourself, “Wu Tang Clan Ain’t Nothin’ To F#*k With.” Now get your ass out there and fight those zombies!
Relying on positive thinking is risky business, hip-o. Visualizing yourself in a safe house will not necessarily get you to one. Being realistic and planning your sneaky midnight-run to the safe house is a much better bet. If you just can’t help but be positive because that’s your nature, visualize the battle-ax penetrating the alien’s face.
Stop going to bars that show classic horror films. This will only fill your head will silly ideas about how to handle someone chasing you with a weapon. Instead, go to bars that show Oscar winning films so you will at least be able to “act” super fragile and vulnerable before tricking your captor into removing your hand-cuffs.
Leave those enormous glasses behind, Hipster-Dipster. At this point they will only obstruct your vision. If they are prescription and you must wear glasses in order to see at all, now is the time to invest in some cute prescription safety goggles. Do this before going to the Optometrist becomes a memory from simpler times.
Do NOT go to the park to meditate and hold yoga poses. This will only draw unwanted attention to you. Instead, practice original yoga moves like the “Downward Facing Attic Sit” or “Abandoned Trunk Pose” These will aid you in times of great need, like when the Anti-Christ is after you.
Change your mustache into something more practical, Hip. If you have a handlebar (like Franz Ferdinand) or a Dali (like Salvador Dali), trim it to a chevron (like Tom Selleck) or a pencil (like Prince). You do not want the invaders to think that you’re capable of time travel; they will be all over you like brown on quinoa!
While being prepared for battle isn’t a new idea and may seem pretty conformist, it could save a life! We live in great times, but things could go awry very quickly. Survival of the fittest may become a way of life! If the hipster turns down the unknown band that they’re listening to so that the large headphones may then be used as earmuffs during the impending ice-age, survival is within reach. Use this advice, dear hipster, otherwise, yeah, you’ll definitely be the first to go.