So our lovely new writer Katie put together a nice set of guidelines for tomorrow that would definitely be good to follow if you don't want things to go miserably wrong.... But let's just say, you do. Let's just say, for the sake of good old fashioned American risk-taking, you find yourself wanting to go out and start a ruckus or two. Let's just say you're like me and have no intention of playing it safe tomorrow whatsoever. Well then, here's a set of guidelines that may be more up your alley.
1) Hot Dog Eating Contests Are ALWAYS Cool
I wanted to get this one off my chest right away. For the most part, I could dig Katie's rules to follow tomorrow and her reasoning behind them, but there was one sentence that got me: "competitive hot-dog eating contests will never be cool." Uh, what? In the words of Randy Marsh...
Maybe Katie was never exposed to the gloriousness that was watching Kobayashi (totally spelled right, don't check it) devour mountains of mystery-meat Nathan's dogs, but for all of us who were, we know that witnessing such greatness can only instill a profound level of respect for the art of competitive eating. And what better way to go out there and show your respect than by hosting your own hot-dog eating contest? Hell, throw some burgers out there, too. Basically just see who can eat the most meat possible. It's not every day that you get to stuff your body to the point of explosion with no outside judgement, so do your duty as an American and fill yourself to the brim with meat, saving room only for your American flag can of Budweiser, obviously.
2) Drunk Driving, Never A Good Idea. Drunk Bicycling?... Depends
Okay, so I think the one rule we can all agree on as Americans is that drinking and driving is the definition of dumb. No point in risking killing yourself or innocent others, or giving Officer "I hate that I'm working this holiday" the chance to take out all of his pent up frustration on yo ass. But if you gotta bike? Fuckin use that shit. Well, not everyone. Like, if you're celebrating tomorrow in New York City or another major metropolitan area, probably not a great call. But if you're going away for the weekend, to the mountains, to the beach, to the lake, etc., and you're not laughing your ass off while biking home with very little control over your motor skills at 2am, then you did tomorrow wrong. Just make sure you're not around any cars or something that could kill you if you run in to it, cus there's a solid chance you sooner or later you're going to end up like this...
so make sure you do it like this guy did and have a soft place to go down. Just good form all around by him.
3) You HAVE To Have A Roman Candle Duel At Some Point Tomorrow
Look, fireworks are as American as it gets, but you know also what is American? 10 pace-duels. They may not have been invented here, but we perfected them in the Wild West, and the Roman Candle makes it possible for us to relive those glory days like Jesse James and Billy the Kid would've wanted us to. Yes, if you go with heavy duty fireworks, then don't be a dumbass and fuck around with them (or do, cus it's always funny to see somebody light themselves on fire for a second, so if you're that guy I'll totally laugh). But if you're in the sparklers-and-roman-candles camp like me, then you best be shooting that shit at each other all day. "But bro, you may lose an eyeball." Uh, that's what sunglasses are for, jackass: looking badass on America's birthday and offering solid eye protection for roman candle dueling. Also, awesome tanlines.
4) Yeah, You Probably Should Wear Sunscreen
I have no counter there. I mean that pic above just made me cringe posting it, imaging how much it would suck to be that guy. So yeah, wear sunscreen regardless of what dumb shit you do.
5) You Probably Shouldn't Shoot Guns Tomorrow... Buuut...
That said, if you're prone to shooting a gun or two or thousand in to the sky to really drive home your Americaness, then I really don't see a better day to do it. I mean, fireworks going off left and right, no chance somebody's calling the cops. Tomorrow is the one day where a thundering boom doesn't make everybody duck their heads and look for help, so I guess take advantage? I don't know, I don't have a gun, but if I did there's a solid 200% chance I'm shooting it in the sky while singing America The Beautiful. The Ray Charles version, duh*.
So that's it. For now, that's all I can think of in terms of how to go about tomorrow in a classically American (read: unsafe) way. Oh, well besides the obvious "drink til you can't feel feelings" idea that sort of inherently goes along with any holiday, especially one that takes place in the summer and is designed to celebrate the fact that we're the free-est, most badass nation out there. Murica.
* That's not to suggest that Ray Charles has any connection to gun use, I just simply find that to be the most American song of all time, so if I'm mentioning America the Beautiful then I'm clarifying it's the Ray Charles version every time. Pure freedom in song form.