Teenager Spontaneously Combusts When Unable To "Check In" For Breakfast

by Grant Lancaster

CSI New York at the scene.

CSI New York at the scene.


Tina Richardson, 17, died of unknown causes today during a breakfast date with her “besties” at the popular Flatiron restaurant, Cafe Prague.

Sources say Tina sat down with her friends, and immediately attempted to “check in” to the restaurant, using the popular Facebook app on her iPhone 5c. 

When she failed to get service, she proceeded to thrust her phone higher and higher into the air, flailing her arms in a vain attempt to reach stronger cellular waves. When she was unsuccessful, panic set in, having what witnesses described as “a severe meltdown”.

“She looked like a 17-year-old Mommy Dearest”, said fellow patron Dave Parsons. 

"I thought she was having an exorcism".

At that moment, the waitress came to take their orders, but the pressure was too much. When the waitress asked her what she’d like to order, she jumped up on the table, "snarled" at her with her fingers like claws, and yelled “I’d love some fucking WI-FI THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU WHORE!!!”

She then exploded.

Details are still coming in, but NYPD Commissioner George Hamilton released this statement earlier today. 

“I have no clue what happened, but needless to say, the restaurant has wi-fi now.”

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