A declaration/account and short story by The Shorts Show
The year 2014. We have Skype, X-Box One and people STILL cutting off the heads of those they don't agree with, to make a point. It's safe to say the future we dreamed about took a strange left turn right around Y2K. In light of the last decade plus, there has been wide spread debate and speculation of how the next World War will happen. Who's going to push the button first? Dr. Strangelove seems all too relevant now. With world war/extinction sounding inevitable with the latest string of ignorance world wide, the only thing left to do is wait and hope someone out there with the power to actually make a change would step forward and help rather than exploit the power that came under false promises from those who elected, followed or believed them. Until a few days ago I didn't think Superman, Peter Pan and Luke Skywalker could do much to put the brakes on the runaway idiot train that is mankind.... That was until I was abducted by a secret Alien race sitting just outside our solar system, three days ago.
ABDUCTION NIGHT: Rallying post show meeting at a local Brooklyn watering hole Monday night, I had the urge to drown my feeling of hopelessness in the bottom of artisan, handcrafted hipster, Indian Pale Ales. But no matter what I did, the scale of hope never seemed to swing towards something optimistic. I kept having the feeling that someone out there hated my guts and wanted me dead because I was a part of something I have no control over. Although I always considered myself a "People Person", this latest chunk of death and senselessness made it clear, it's OPEN SEASON on anyone! Regardless of race, belief, gender or taste in music, someone out there on Earth hates your fucking guts because you are not the same and will never agree, no matter how many comments you leave on a message board to persuade using your own opinion. The train is running away and Denzel Washington nor Chris Pine can stop it.
So there I was, hopeless, drunk and a full bladder ready to pop. Time to go drain the ol' vein. But alas, the line stretches out the door. As a dozen or so lads do the penguin dance, I decide to go the Bear Grylls route and make my move to nature as my ancestors once did. (take a piss outside)
The first choice is always the easiest. Do I pee pee right outside the front door by the street under the safety of the rear bumper of a 2008 Honda Civic? OR do I take the road less traveled and walk half way down the block in hopes of stumbling upon an unsuspecting dark alley to mark my territory? The walk began. Each step deliberating how I would in fact survive a nuclear holocaust..."Should I tape the doors with duct tape or gaff tape? Well clearly duct tape, it does everything." And then I froze... A light flashes ahead of me and my fingers go numb. My back tightens and my neck jerks back, uncontrollably. I stare straight up into the night sky. A blue beacon shining right down on me. "What the fuck is happening?" I still have to pee.
Although I can't see, I can feel movement all around me. My legs are weightless. I stretch out into the darkness and suddenly feel an overwhelming sense of calm. Then I hear the words.... Booming from above, below and all around me... "HHEEEEEVVVVVV MMUUUU KAAAAA KAAA". I then realize I don't speak whatever this was.
I instantly shit my pants and think "Does pooping in zero gravity make it easier or harder to wipe your ass?"
A face moves towards me through the abyss of time and space.
Turns out Aliens look exactly like we thought they did... More or less exactly like the ones in the hit N64 game Perfect Dark. (still not better than Goldeneye)
The blackness recedes. I now come to rest upon an all white LA Z BOY recliner.
The Alien introduced himself as Captain Morgan Freeman. (Apparently Aliens give themselves names of what they enjoy in foreign worlds. This guy loved spiced rum and voiceovers.)
He hovers above me for a second until realizing how improper it is to talk to your guests while standing over them. He sits down to my level. An exact replica white LA Z BOY appears. He doesn't recline into it. (this disturbs me for some reason. Who doesn't enjoy a full recline, even in space abductions?)
We stare at each other for a minute or two. I was guessing he could read my thoughts so I began to think about something to throw him off my scent.
"Why would you ever prefer to have three green shells to three red shells while on Pipe Plaza? It's clearly a more wide open course than Block City." - he asks.
"I prefer to earn my balloon hits the hard way. Red shells are for kids and now that I know you know what i'm thinking, am I here to get probed?"
He shakes his head in disgust. I immediately feel embarrassed to be so frank with Capt. Freeman but how could I know?
"Do you know why you're here?"
He clears his throat, clearly agitated and looks me in the eye
"We gave you XBOX ONE, we gave you Skype, we gave you the power to connect to your entire civilization and species and you have done nothing with it. I really stuck my neck out for you all this last century and to be honest with ya, you're all a bunch of snotty nosed, greedy, whiny assholes. "
Didn't see that coming. I look for a rebuttal but it's clear Capt. Freeman is not happy with me.
"Well, ya know we've been pretty busy. (I search for redemption) We've been perfecting drinkability in our beers. We've corrected auto-tune in the music industry.. AND maybe you haven't seen but Burger King and Tim Hortons just merged..."
He smacks me across the face.
"What do you expect us to do?" - he asks.
For some reason the first thing I can think of is to build a star bridge, sort of like rainbow road and allow us all to drive into space and colonize new planets and escape the coming darkness. I forget he can read my thoughts.
"You're not going to get a rainbow road."
"Well what the fuck can you do, then?"
"We can invade your stupid planet, enslave all of humanity, take the remaining resources, weapons and Xbox Ones and leave you all to fend for yourselves among a burning pile of ashes considering you're all headed that way anyways. We want to protect our investment and personally I lost big on this planet. You guys really let me down. I mean, seriously, what the fuck are you thinking? Have you seen space? It's fucking huge. Do you REALLY think you're alone? Come on...."
"Well why haven't you made yourselves present? I mean, IF you guys just said hello to the public and had a little curtain unveiling sort of thing, that could be fun, right?"
"NO! You have not earned the right to mingle among the star people (totally sounds like a cool 70s band... just googled it, it's not) We let you in the "club" now and it's totally going to take down the level of prestige. Every species from other planets that made it in as a member was able to move past this stupid hump you idiots just can't seem to understand. It's pretty simple. "
"What about the drinkability?" I demand.
"Fuck Miller lite, it's a gimmick. So is wide mouth cans, blue mountains and vortex bottles. Beer doesn't need a gimmick to taste good. Put it in a can, glass or bottle and stop exploiting the public's weakness for flashy advertisements. The ONE simple rule you humans need to follow to get into the super dope star country club is this...."
I'm on the edge of my Aspen vanilla LA Z BOY. Finally the answers. Finally a solution. FINALLY A RAINBOW ROAD!
"So what is it? What can we do? What can make sense of the beheadings, racial tension, looting, bombings, ignorance, bias, greed, war, jihads, lies and death?"
"Shut the fuck up, work hard and be happy."
"What about a revolutionary technology that could just like brainwash us all into agreeing or being the same. I mean, forget about all that "Snowflake being special" business. Like, all those different beliefs and religions, ideologies and racial tensions and class warfare? Car bombings, hangings, stonings, They have to be for something, right? I mean, someone has to be right! Right?! I mean how could we ALL be wrong? Couldn't the left be justified? Couldn't the right feel progress? Change?! We can't ALL BE WRONG! TELL ME!!!! Who's right!?"
He leans forward. Takes a sip out of an instantly appearing Capri Sun, swallows and wipes his space lips.
"There are 500 BILLION TRILLION GAZILLION types of creatures in this universe. Do you think they all have the same opinion? Do you think they ALL look the same? Smell the same? Feel the same? NO. But, the ones who survive and get to enjoy the space country club are the ones who shut the fuck up, work hard and be happy. If you can't play together nicely, you'll die together painfully."
"What about GOD? or Allah or the eight armed elephant or Muhammad or Hosana or Battlefield Earth, Tom Cruise?! Surely they must have an opinion of the cosmos! They must have some weight in there to help shape how we should live! RIGHT?! One of them has to be right? Don't they?
"You can worship whoever the hell you want. I personally believe that a higher power exists inside of a four slot toaster but that doesn't mean you have to. No one will know until it's too late anyways. Believe what you want and shut the fuck up. That's all....
Also, Madden football is a disgrace since 2005. "
I few more drops of pee trickle out. (This is so embarrassing)
Capt. Morgan Freeman smiles oddly back at me before taking a final sip from his fruit punch. He smacks me a final time and BLACKNESS.....
I come to... My penis exposed before me, urine spilling over the darkened alley. The stream drowned out by the passing of police siren. I huddle over and act inconspicuous.
"What the fuck just happened? Did I just get visited by an extraterrestrial? Am I a prophet? Am I special? How can I make money off this? Is there a probe up my ass? Will I have to go through metal detectors multiple times from now on?"
The questions swirled inside of me. If Capt. Morgan was right and humanity is doomed, then we are going to be in some trouble. Space lasers, invasions, extinction... Woe is me.
I finish my pee pee and turn back towards the bar. If I'm going to die from alien ray guns, I may as well be drunk as a skunk. "How am I going to survive this alien war?"
... AND THEN I SEE HIM...
A homeless Man pushing a shopping cart full of bottles and cans, hollering a string of obscenities that would normally cause me to dart the other way from confrontation... BUT this time, everything was different.. This man now had a value to me. He had a purpose and relationship I could identify with. His smell didn't matter. His dirty fingernails and rotten teeth were only badges of the one thing that truly remained. Humanity. He was going to die by the same exact Alien weaponry that was coming to me... There was a comfort and unsaid camaraderie I couldn't ignore.
This man may very well be a future soldier in the Alien war, that may save me from a burning star craft. Or rescuing precious materials needed to fix an abandoned star fighter before Capt. Morgan and his cronies could pick us remaining survivors off, one by one. The group of young ruffians smoking a joint down the street, possibly a band of infantrymen who's final mission could mean the difference between whether or not we can save the space port from an Alien bombing. The bodega sandwich man, a future general who's bravery and self sacrifice would lead to our final survival in the face of insurmountable odds.
The scale tipped. Enlightenment. A possible solution to end the madness. A scenario to band the rival factions of humans together for one common cause.... survival. Goddamn it, it was right in from of our eyes for years. Will Smith, Randy Quaid, Jeff FUCKING GOLDBLUM!
And I came to the final conclusion to save us all. To unite the world....
I'm hereby publicly inviting and encouraging a full scale, massive alien invasion of my home planet Earth. IF YOU ARE AN ALIEN and you are reading this, please please please come and invade us. I know you have internet wherever you are so please get your warships together. Load up your ray guns and death rays. We Earthlings are a bunch of politically correct, naive, greedy, ignorant, self righteous assholes and the only thing we hate more than each other is Aliens.
SO bring it, Mr. Captain Morgan Freeman, you alien bastard!
If we can't play nice together
We're going to die painfully together in the face of cosmic space death rays and inevitable extinction. At least at that point, race, gender, sexual preference nor religion will matter. The left and the right will fall together. The lines in the sand on EVERY issue will fade as the beaches burn under the heat of a cosmic death ray. Earth needs this and we need it now.
Earth, Earth, Humans!
(clap, clap, clap!)
And when the dust settles MAYBE we will still be here and maybe we will be treated to the gift that is Bill Pullman recapping the moment the world was saved.
We can only hope.