Many people find themselves inside bars often, or at least once in a while. Scoring points with the bartender can land you more attention, faster service or even free booze! Knowing how to approach your barkeep is vital in making these sweet things happen in order to improve your bar experience. Want to know how to maximize your fun? Know if the bartender is a dog or a cat. First impressions are so important. Would you walk up to a cat and start petting it really hard and shaking it’s fur-fat all around? No, that behavior is meant for a dog, dummy. Whether you’re in a cool lounge or a dive-bar, knowing if your drink-maker is a dog or a cat will change your drunken fate.
Some bartenders strut around behind the bar, ignoring you for several minutes before allowing you any of their precious time. These are cats. Don’t try to “pet” them. By “pet” I mean start making small talk and thinking they’re friendly enough to engage you. They will just throw their tails in your face and wish you’d go away. When a cat is wrapped in a great mouse toy (a hottie) they will not want to deal with some lame yarn-ball who rolled in off the street. On your third drink (if you’ve lasted that long in this spot and want to become this cat’s hot new laser pointer) calmly ask the bartender cat if they would like a drink. This may win they’re affection. You may be tempted to make a milk joke by offering them a white-Russian, but resist this urge! They will not understand! Obviously you have to also decide whether or not winning this cat over is worth it. Many cats work in alleys that are on the pricier side, so a discount would be nice, right? Cool cats do exist and if your friends hang out here all the time, maybe it’s worth the work.
Some cats may come off as dogs at first because they’re slightly more attentive and acknowledge your existence within a timely manner. Don’t be too quick to start petting. This cat just probably wants more hits on their Youtube channel. When in doubt, try to read they’re energy. The more upbeat, the doggier they are. Remember that although the bartender did bark at you, they’re probably still a cat at heart.
Okay, now for the dogs. Dogs are super friendly. Dogs like to party. Dogs like when you bring a bunch of your friends around and take them out for a run. You can high-five your dog (assuming they’ve learned that trick) as soon as you see them. You can throw tennis balls (orders and tips) all over the place and the dog will run to and fro gathering all of it! Oh boy, keep it coming! If you’re having a bad day, do NOT take it out on this dog. The dog bartender does not respond well to mistreatment. Dogs can bite, and then they’re owner may give them up for good. The more love, attention and petting the dog gets, the more that ‘ol tail will wag. Everyone is happy! Beware of over-doing with your dog, though. Many dogs have a very hard time saying no to treats (shots) and this can result in the poor doggy getting sick or confused. Very confused, like they may not be able to find their way back home.
Beware of the attention starved dog. They may have been hanging out alone all day and want you to expel more energy than you feel comfortable with. This dog may become annoying and start begging. Just get the hell outta there or say, “No! Now that’s enough! Roll Over!” (To the other end of the bar.)
Knowing how to handle the creature that’s going to dish out your fun fuel, can be a game changer. Try to read your bartender as a dog or a cat and proceed accordingly. If you’re drunk already, just ask yourself which animal you’re being at that moment. A happy dolphin or a fainting goat? Cheers!