Talk about a close call. An Oklahoma man says he nearly lost his penis when he woke to find his girlfriend trying to bite it off. A night of drinking and arguing led to the painful arousal when the victim said he found Amber Ellis "biting his (penis) off" as he slept on the couch Thursday, KJRH reported. He told Tulsa police he fought the 31-year-old off but in the process she hit him in the head with a laptop computer. Their earlier argument was over his accusing her of being too needy, he said.
He was hospitalized and given several stitches to the base of his penis, as well as treatment for injuries to his head, face, neck, fingers and knee. Ellis was booked into the Tulsa County Jail on charges of maiming and assault with a dangerous weapon. She's being held on $45,000 bond for both charges.
Sure showed his dumbass. Oh, I'm too needy? Well, guess what we won't be needing anymore, you son of a bitch?
In all seriousness though, a little much maybe? Kinda overkill on the whole argument if you ask me. I mean, first you got him sleeping on the couch post argument, then you try to bite his dick off in his sleep, then when that fails you respond by breaking his computer, his main source of ejaculation, over his head, thereby rendering his now wounded penis pretty much useless. Like at a certain point, we get it. You really don't have to take it to this level, we'll just concede the argument WAYYY before it gets to penis-biting levels. I don't know one guy who's willing to let any fight with the lady escalate to the point that genital devouring is a reasonable option. So, you know, given your recent history I don't really want to be the one to say it, Amber, but uh... maybe he has a point? Maybe hear him out? I mean I know you were drinking and I think we've all been there where the alcohol makes arguing in a sane fashion pretty much impossible, but maybe just keep that little voice in your head that reminds you that, regardless of how many drinks deep you may be, dick biting isn't a thing. So let that soak in and give diplomacy a try next time.
K.... cool. Glad we talked this through... Please don't bite my penis off.
P.S. It's pretty funny to me that this article's related links on NY Daily News were all stories about John and Lorena Bobbitt. Like that is still our most culturally relevant dick removal story. It's crazy that was 20 years ago. Kids, ask your parents who John and Lorena Bobbitt are.