Florida may be known as the "Sunshine State," but its police are constantly having to deal with where the sun don't shine. In the last 30 months, Florida has had at least five people arrested on charges that include some form of inappropriate defecation.
Holy Shi... no, nope, not gonna do it, too easy. I'm better than the low hanging fruit...
Okay, so holy shit we have ourselves an epic tale of Floridian defecation, as you will soon see below. This story is so wild, so sprawling, so Florida, that I had to break it up by dealing with each poop-crime separately. So as we look at each poopertrator (okay for real I'll stop), you'll get the real story in italics, per usual, followed by my thorough investigatory notes. Brace yourselves, shit's about to get real...
The latest Floridian accused of crappy behavior is Katelyn Patricia Felegi, 18, who was was arrested April 25 after allegedly breaking into and damaging her ex-boyfriend's home, according to the Tampa Bay Times. A Pinellas County Sheriff's deputy who was driving Felegi to jail said she allegedly defecated in the back of the squad car. The deputy said Felegi intentionally removed her pants and pooped all over the police cruiser, WFTV.com reports.
The poo-stained patrol car was out of commission for eight hours while inmates were forced to clean it up, according to the Associated Press. The total damage was estimated at around $100. Felegi has since been charged with criminal mischief, burglary and simple domestic assault, according to the Tampa Times. If the accusations against Felegi stick, she joins a rogues gallery of Floridians who made their mark with poop.
Hate to have to say it, ladies, but this is such a chick move. Breakup goes bad and you all think the world is absolutely over, like any and everything ceases to matter at that particular moment. Katelyn here probably caught her man with some side strange, drunkenly confronted him, and shit got a little out of hand, resulting in something getting smashed and the cops showing up. Fine, it happens. That part is not the chick part at all, plenty of guys have been there done that, but where this becomes a chick move is when she gets in the car. It's not necessarily the shitting itself, it's what the shitting represents: a lack of giving a fuck cus life's meaningless and everything is a lie. "Fine officer, arrest me you son of a bitch! I don't even give a shit, anymore. Nobody should give a shit! Just go ask John, he just does whatever he fuckin wants! He doesn't give a shit, she doesn't give a shit, you probably don't give a shit... in fact, I'm gonna take a goddamn shit right here, right now cus why the fuck not! Yeah, you like that you bastards? You made me do this! You all did!"....
... Okay fine, it's not a chick thing, that was a firsthand recollection. Don't go to Florida for May the Fourth, that's all I'm gonna say. On to the next one...
In March, Amy Goldberg, 57, was accused of smearing dog poop on the face and arms of a neighbor whose pooch pooped on the suspect's lawn.
I definitely blogged about this woman at the time, but I can't track down the link. I'm pretty sure I just said something about Florida.
Patricia Ann Jamison, 49, was arrested in April last year after deputies say she pooped in an elevator at the St. Lucie County Courthouse in Fort Pierce, Florida.
Okay, now this one needs a bit more backstory (I could easily actually look up the backstory, but no). I mean this could be totally justified, like what if the elevator was stuck for hours and she had no other option? That's honestly a big fear of mine: getting trapped in an elevator and having no choice but to just dump in the corner. Now, I hear what you're saying, there's no way they'd arrest somebody for shitting if it was an emergency situation so she must've done it maliciously. And to that I say it's Florida, meaning Florida cops, so the idea of them making a stupid arrest for a necessary act is just as likely as this woman just taking a shit in an elevator cus why not. I'll go benefit of the doubt here for Patricia Ann's sake.
Gregory Matthew Bruni, 21, became a pooping legend of sorts in January 2013 when he allegedly climbed naked onto a family's home in North Fort Myers and jumped onto the homeowner. Bruni allegedly ran inside the house, knocking down a TV and spilling the contents of a vacuum on the floor -- which he later drank. Bruni is accused of pooping in two spots on the floor, but not before masturbating in the living room and rubbing clothes belonging to the residents on his face.
Whoa, this fuckin guy. How did I miss this story originally? I guess this was before the blog existed, but still I should've gone back and paid some sort of homage to this Floridian legend. I mean how do you drink the contents of a vacuum? Is that a legit description? Like did he pour it in a cup and literally drink it down or suck it up off the floor. Either way is cool, but the literal act of drinking it is next level crazy so I'm hoping it's that.
Also, what are you doing if you're this family? Is this scary or hilarious? Probably a little bit of both, but really after the whole jumping on the dad part he didn't physically do anything to the family, so I feel like if I were them I'd just start laughing at a certain point. The absurdity of the moment would get the best of me. So hopefully they were able to find the joy in this situation and avoid the absolutely traumatizing part.
To be sure, January 2013 was a big month for public pooping. Police in Vero Beach, arrested Brenda Schumann, 51, after she allegedly defecated and urinated on the floor of her home after after discovering her husband in bed with another woman. She later told a deputy: "I found him in bed with a naked chick, what was I supposed to do?"
Okay, wait a minute! Maybe it is still a chick thing!
That answer is incredible. "Officer, what would you do, huh? You come home, see this dumbass in bed with some naked chick.... I mean in what world does that NOT end in you shitting on the floor?... Exactly." I think if I'm the cop in that scenario, I'm letting her off. As far as I can tell she was shitting on her own floor anyway, and couple that with her spot-on reasoning, I just don't see how you can arrest her. See, cops in Florida can make shitty arrests! Elevator shit theory still in tact.
So there it was, the Florida Poop-Crime Spectacular, and spectacular it was, indeed. Take a moment today and think about how lucky we are to have a place like Florida. It really is the ultimate shadenfreude state and it's important we say thank you for that from time to time.