To be honest, slow video day. It was either this or that giant NASCAR crash from last night*, but I figured you'd probably already watched that one so why not watch some old Italian women eat shitty Americanized "Italian" food? Let's look at a full breakdown of each of the grannies:
1) The Badass/Hardo Granny
Always funny to hear old people curse, so she's got that going for her, but did anyone else feel that the grumpy old woman schtick got in the way of a real review of the food? I mean you're here for a reason, lady, to rate our warped version of your food. We get that it doesn't look like eggplant parmesan (don't worry, it isn't), but still your job is to tell us how it tastes. Did we fuckin nail it or what? This is America, homes. We don't bother with presentation and care, we go straight for results. Do you like it or do you love it, that's all we need to know, so get to the point: does our chemical based artificial eggplant take your back to the homeland or are your taste buds broke? Don't let your act get in the way of an honest rating.
2) The Know-It-All Granny
All right there, Guy Fieri. We get it, you know your food. I feel like everyone knows this grandmother, the one who describes every single dish of every single meal she makes ad nauseam. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's totally interesting and I want to hear about it, but other times I don't care how you made your fuckin tomato soup and grilled cheese. I get it. So I'll let you know when I want to know what's up with your food game... Granted, this is a food review so I suppose this is a good time for her to be discussing the food she's trying, but regardless I found her exhausting.** Also, alternate name could have been "The Convert Granny" cus I think Olive Garden totally had her won over by the time she got to that lasagna. America +1pt.
3) The Stoner Granny
So high, so awesome. Loved this granny. She was like paranoid of every dish, started freakin out trying to call the whole thing off at one point. Wouldn't say "shit" cus she was weirded out by being on camera. Every single action said, "fuck this I'm so high right now I cannot handle all of this... whatever the fuck this is going on around me." Well, every action except for her dislike for the food, which I guess is a pretty big action. You'd think that if one were stoned they'd be down for whatever is in front of them, but I'd argue that this is where experience comes in to play. "The munchies" is for amateurs. This woman has seen her share of the world and knows how to retain her class regardless of intoxication. She gave an honest, albeit freaked out, review, and you can't do anything but appreciate her efforts.
4) The "Everything Is Wonderful" Grannies
America gettin another couple points. These two, just absolutely blown away by everything they were presented with. And you know what? I believe them. "Oh bullshit, this was just a case of two old senile women saying they loved everything because they knew they were on camera." Nay, that opinion is false, and here's how I know: style. Style my friends. Look at those fucking shirts and you tell me that a senile person would have such an unbelievable sense of progression and fashion as these two clearly display. Patterns that you could only imagine before they showed you what's up. So basically I trust these women full on, their word is gold. Therefore, America +2pts.
5) The Hipster Grannies:
We had no chance with these two. Minds were made up before they even entered the room. "Oh, this shit is American so it sucks balls, not gonna like it no matter what it tastes like." We get it, hipsters. Too cool to just let yourself enjoy it and be a part of the majority that understand the quality gourmet experience that Olive Garden is providing. One of these jerks was even too cool to try some lasagna! Get over yourself, lady. You showed up to this thing, you knew the deal, don't get all above it just because that meat layer may or may not be meat. It's close enough, now eat it and actually tell us it's not good. No way you could if you weren't coming in all predisposed and shit. Whatever, we won't waste any more of our fine American flavorings on your asses then.
So there you have it. A detailed look at our happy contestants, and it's pretty clear that Olive Garden comes out of this looking pretty pretty good***. Sorry for taking your food and making it a trillion times better, rest of the world, let us know when you've come up with something new. Oh and don't worry, we'll make that better eventually, too. See you suckers! (ball taps the world, tosses down skateboard and hops on, laughing and flipping the bird as he shreds down the street).
* Here's the NASCAR crash in case you didn't see it. Craziness.
** There's no way to say you find somebody exhausting without picturing yourself with a British accent.
*** Just kidding, this is pretty awful PR for Olive Garden. Sucks to suck, I guess. Although I will say this, if you don't like Olive Garden breadsticks then you are out of your mind. Dip those shits in some alfredo sauce? Winner 10 times out of 10. Sure, the rest of the restaurant is a dumpster fire but those breadsticks are no joke.