The season that keeps on giving! How bout George and the gang feeling like they maybe owe us fans some good times for a change? I mean sure, do I realize that this is just an even more sadistic experiment in building up our hopes before finally obliterating them even more than I thought was imaginable? Yes, obviously, but it's still nice to know that good things CAN happen. Let's jump right in to this motha fucka.
Still the most interesting place to be these days, and holy shit?! Did more things go right for the Starks?! I think they did, people. I think they did. Sansa and Jonny Boy, back together again. Which seemed... awkward? The show did a really good job of showing the whole gambit of emotions, from "oh my god we're here and we're together and this is amazing!" to "... So we never really talked that much before, huh? What are we... what are we doing?" But at the end of the day, this just goes to show that 6 years of existing in hellish circumstances really brings people together. That age old saying.
But the wall is not without it's potential drama, namely the whole thing about Lady Bryen (you know, the one who chopped up Stannis) showing up and letting Melisandre and Davos know that she doesn't forget or forgive. That could get weird. But I honestly am not too worried about it (famous last words for any GOT fan), because all parties seem to have at least slightly level heads. Davos is always a pretty critical thinker, and while Bryen is a little overboard with her whole honor thing, we've seen her swallow her pride in the name of duty before so hopefully she'll know not to stir too much shit up. The one wild card is obviously the red one. She's seemingly become a bit more open-minded after the whole "I trust my god" thing sorta fell through, but then in this episode we hear her switch up her old theory about who the true king is from Stannis to the Snowman, so maybe her craziness comes back. That could make for some unwanted stress for the new Super Friend Squad. Let's just hope it holds off until Ramsay gets his.
Okay, things are getting a bit more interesting here. We're starting to see everyone's true intentions (or at least we think we are). The High Sparrow has been working his way in to the minds of some of the Red Keep elites, namely Tommen, Jamie and Margeary, but it seems like the prevalent feeling in the Landing is still "fuck that guy, he's nuts, his religion is fucked up, let's kill him." Which I'm pumped about because to be honest, I was nervous his schtick was working, at least on Tommen and Margeary. I was feeling a lot of "no come on, is this guy really getting to these dumb dumbs?" But then we see Marge urging her bro (who does not look great by the way) to stay strong, followed by Tommen coming clean to his mom about the talks he's had with the Sparrow, so looks like that dude has it coming after all. Now that the Tyrell's are all in on killing his Sparrow ass, we may finally get to see Zombie Mountain let loose on some fools. In the words of Bart Scott:
My least favorite part of this blog cus this place still sucks and is seemingly pointless. Reek's back! Yay? Basically all we know is he's home and he wants to help his sister take the throne. Also, his dick's still gone and everyone's still ugly as fuck. Cool, next.
This fuckin kid. What a weird little boy he is. Can't shoot an arrow for shit, still looks like he's fighting off multiple mental illnesses, and can't seem to buy a single item of clothing that fits. Anyway, Uncle Peter returns, folks. Oh you forgot about him? One of the most diabolical figures in Westeros has been really doing his whole working in the shadows thing well this season by not showing up until the 4th episode. Smooth, bro. After reaffirming our beliefs in his unyielding manipulation by making that one knight his bitch, Little Finger starts showing us his potential plans for an overall takeover. What, he did? Yeah idiots. Here's how: by sending the Knights of the Vale to help Jon and Sansa take back Winterfell, he's putting himself in a position to look the hero and potentially win over the entire North. He's gonna need some big moves to regain Sansa's favor, and retaking her home for her may be the only move that can do that. If he succeeds, now he's got the favor of the North, a powerful army, and one of the most difficult kingdom's to attack at his disposal. Probably a lot more power than we want a guy like that to have. I'm sure it will be fine.
Later, Osha. You're time as one of the most meaningless characters on the show has come to an end. And look, I know she played a huge role in Bran and Rickon's initial escape, thanks for that, but overall she's just been... there. Ramsay is way too smart for people that are just there. Can't be expecting a rudimentary "I'll seduce him then knife him" plan to work on that guy, and we end up with a pretty easy to see death for the wildling turned nanny.
I will take this time to go over one of the more interesting fan theories I've heard about Rickon: the Umber conspiracy. Last week I posited the "Hook" theory, which stated that Ramsay was going to take Rickon under his wing a la Captain Hook and create a mini Ramsay, but after reading about the potential Umber rebellion I think I'm switching to that camp. Basically, the idea is that the Little Jon Umber, the asshole who turned Rickon and Osha over to Ramsay, is actually not an asshole, but the ring leader in a plot to overthrow Ramsay from the inside. He's planting Rickon there as a means of getting closer to Ramsay and convincing him to leave the safety of Winterfell, exposing him to an attack (led by Jonny Boy and Sansa) that will end the Bolton reign. Here's a link that explains it in much more detail, but it sounds like a solid idea so I'm switching camps. My Hook theory was still a good one, though. Take notes, George R. R.
This one's tough to read. You watch Tyrion do his thing with the Slavers and you want to think he knows what he's doing, but as everyone is quick to point out, "you don't know these dudes, dawg." He's never handled these types of people before, and it could be that his confidence in his own intelligence and people reading will be his downfall. There's no reason why the Slaver Masters shouldn't take his deal, but if they still think they're the most powerful force in the land then they could very easily just say fuck you and turn on Tyrion's plans. Not to mention the dissent he's creating in his own city by even talking to those guys, and getting Greyworm to "lie" on his behalf. Things are getting pretty dicey in the desert, let's hope Khaleesi shows up soon and that those dragons are ready to fuck shit up again. And speaking of Khaleesi...
WEIRD DOTHRAKI WIDOW'S CLUB
Holy Mother of Dragons! That shit was dope! Okay, yes her escape plan was spotty at best and WAY too much shit just went right for her to pull it off, but honestly, that shot of her walking out of the fire in all her naked glory was worth any amount of suspension of disbelief.
But for reals, what was that plan? Did she know that place was like covered in oil or some shit? Did they set that up without letting us know? Her idea was basically "hey, let's just push these four fire pits over and see what happens", and those idiot Dothrakis made it easy. They could've killed her, or whatever else they'd do to her, at any moment, and even if she did get to the moment where she was able to push the fire over, who's to say that place is gonna go up in flames before they have a chance to grab her and take her down with them? But hey, they let her talk and apparently that hut was made of matches so it all worked out well. And again, I'll buy anything you're selling if I get to see that gorgeous woman go T's out once more. So I guess net result is Khaleesi has dragons, an army of Unsullied, a diplomatic wiz in Tyrion, and now a new army of Dothraki. Who wants to fucks with that? Friend Zone better not fuck this up...
Another week, another great episode. This season is killing it. And please don't forget that all of these great things happening are just a precursor to your heart being ripped out of your asshole and eaten in front of your face while you die. See you next week!