Woof, Jerry. What a night that Sunday was, ammiright? I guess I'll get this part out of the way now: if you haven't seen the latest episode of GOT then stop reading now, cus we're about to hit spoiler city (it's a town with major oil spill issues. BP?! Ever heard of em?! It happened, people. Stop being sheep. Open your eyes. Attica). What you're about to get is my honest fan reaction to all the big shit that went down this week, so here we go:
Okay if you're still with me, and I pray that you are as you may be dead if you're not. Who knows? I don't know you. For all I know you died after reading there'd be spoilers. Some people can't handle the truth! But for all of those who can, we had a night, didn't we? Let's recap: Bran can walk in his dreams and lives in an ice cave inhabited by an old blind man and a girl who's parents must've been a raven and one of the cats from CATS. Add Hodor to the mix, the strange girl who's brother died (the kid from Love Actually), and some wintery conditions and you've got yourself a regular old Island of Misfit Toys situation going on over there. And speaking of Hodor, homeboy used to talk! And his name was a real name! Willis! Like whatchu talkin bout Willis! Fitting, I think. If Gary Coleman were around I think I can speak for him when I say he'd approve. This is one of those "I guess we'll just have to see where this takes us" storylines at the moment, but it was good to see that Bran is now basically a man and that puberty doesn't care about timelines.
Then we work our way to King's Landing and get our first look at Bane/Zombie Mountain (sounds like a ride) when he face smashes that guy's drunk head to smithereens. If you didn't laugh at that then I don't think we can talk. Yeah it was gruesome but the quickness and over-the-topness of it all was impossible not to chuckle at. That's GOT's version of a joke, so take advantage and laugh when those moments come around. We see a dejected and broken Cersei, still trying to figure out her next sure to be ridiculous move of vengeance, and then cut to the one scene that I didn't really get, nor do I think we're really supposed to, where Jamie and the High Sparrow have that weird talk that I think ended in them striking some sort of unspoken deal? Or was it spoken? Or were they just flexing their dicks at each other? I dunno, obviously that set up some larger shit but I couldn't really get a read on what that was all about. Tommen (don't know if that's spelled right but frankly he's too much of a puss puss to warrant me looking it up) was still acting like the biggest bitch in the history of monarchism, but he did pull a bit of a U-Turn (J. Lo gets naked in that one, check it out) when he asks his mom to help him be "stronger". I'm not sure if that Lannister "I'll literally do anything I want to do to anyone cus fuck you I can" type of strength is exactly what he's looking for, but hey, that's what you're gonna get my friend. And I say good, I'm done watching him stand by while his smokeshow wife who's such a damn badass is trapped in a prison just cus he won't rally the troops to go burn that mother down. Maybe with some Cersei shot-calling we'll get that, although she seems to hate Margaery so who the hell knows what goes down there. Also, we saw the Sparrow go easy on Marge last week, so maybe he's plotting something with her... I don't fucking know! I think what's clear here is that King's Landing is all fucked at this point and it's anyone's guess as to what's going down next in that god forsaken place.
Then there's Ramsay. At this point I'm numb to him. Killed your dad right in front of some high powered people? Sure. Have your dogs eat his wife and newborn son while you just watch? Sounds about right. Make a big decision to basically destroy the Night's Watch and divide the North? Hey, why not? At this point his antics are so nuts that he's growing predictable. I'm not saying to pull it back, he's great in some sadistic way that will always be intriguing, I'm just saying his psychopathy has ceased to raise the heart rate for me anymore.... That's not just me, right? Wait, am I a psycho now?... Don't answer, moving on.
Tyrion! What are you doing, bro! You can't just go talk to DRAGONS and expect them to just.... oh... no wait, I guess you can. Okay, well... good work. This was honestly one of those moments I thought was going to be a big fuck you from GOT. Had all the makings for it: a dangerous moment where in 99/100 stories the disastrous result is avoided by some act of fate or heroism, but in GOT is ran in to head on (ask Oberyn). I was thinking he gets halfway in to that heartfelt story and then get's Samuel L. Jackson-ed from Deep Blue Sea:
Ugh, that gif is nauseating, way too quick. I'll space down so you don't start to have seizures.
Anyway, yeah that's what I thought was gonna happen to Tyrion. I think we all suspected that what happened at the end of the show was going to happen (no spoilers for spoilers), so I was expecting some fuck you moment from the GOT sociopaths, but none really came. So that's good. Keep on keeping on, Tyrion.
Smashcut to: Iron Islands! First thing I have to say here is, who gives a fuck? This place is the worst. The people are the worst, they're all gross looking and murderous, and they suck at conquering anything, so frankly I couldn't give a shit about this storyline. I guess the king getting offed by his brother via bridge defenestration is a turn that adds some potential drama, but get back to me when this place makes any sort of impact on the rest of the 7 kingdoms. Oh and quick update, Theon's dick is still gone.
Jon Snow, unlike you we all knew something, my friend. We all knew you couldn't die. You're the hero this kingdom needs, not the one it deserves*. This was awesome, and pretty hilarious how they drew it out til the last second as if we all really thought it wasn't gonna happen (and sure for a second there it worked on me), but at the end of the day you can't keep a good man down. The real thing I want to talk about here is the haters who say this is GOT getting soft on us. Appeasing the audience instead of sticking to their tried and true form of torturing us on a weekly basis. And to that I say shut the hell up, you downer. Two things: 1) they've been setting this shit up for years. That Beric Dondarrion guy? Remember him? Dude who got his head cleavered by the Hound and came back to life when his friend, who also happened to be a red priest, touched him and said a prayer? They set that up, and they even set up Melisandre's visions being misinterpreted by her when she said all she saw was "Snow" when looking in to the fire and trying to confirm Stannis' victory. So this was planned from the get go. And 2) you know what? Even if it is appeasement, well fucking good, I say. About time. Honestly, the lack of good things ever happening in GOT was getting to the point of absurdism. Like, real world shit is tough for sure, but miracles have happened every once in a while in our world. In Westeros? That shit is nonexistent. So I don't care if the producers are pandering to the masses or if this was the plan from the get go, it's nice to get a little more balance on the good vs. evil shit happening scale for this show.
SO that was the recap. Final thoughts from me? Loved it. Great damn episode, probably one of the best ever in terms of real things happening pretty much non-stop and obviously one of the more amazing finishes you'll ever see on TV. Now that said, keep your head on a swivel, folks. There's NO CHANCE that George R.R. Martin and his band of minions at HBO will let it stand that people are happy for more than a week, so expect everyone to die next episode and the show to just be over**. But if it does happen to continue, you know we're bound for some rough winds ahead so just don't get too comfortable. Enjoy yourself this week while you can, take a few shots for the North, but recognize that this was episode 2. That means they've got 10 more chances to ruin your world and I don't think there's any way that doesn't happen. Still room on Team White Walker for anybody who wants on!
P.S. Quick note, easy out for Roose Bolton, right? People forget that he was a chairman on the Red Wedding board, and to see him just get shivved by his sadistic kid was sort of a let down death. I mean, yeah, glad he got his and all, but an Arya assassination style bloodbath would've been a bit sweeter I think.
* Seriously, this world doesn't deserve the Snowman. I wrote a blog last year about being on Team White Walker and I still stand by saying that the best thing that could happen to this world is for Jon to actually have died, then turned in to a White Walker so that he can lead the dead on a rampage that destroys this terrible world. Now that that is pretty much not happening (at least for the time being), I guess I'll monitor Team Jon Snow and see if he can get this place back on track humanity wise, but I don't think that's happening. So consider me still a Team White Walker guy until further notice.
** If that happened... If George R.R. Martin and those two scumbags, Weiss and Benioff, decided to just murder everyone in one fell swoop and just say "Welp, that's it. You can all go home now" would anyone really be surprised? In some way it's like the perfect ending to this show. Don't rule it out.