Hey uh, spoilers by the way.
Overall take on last night: Alright, on to next week I guess.
In a season that has thus far hit the ground running pretty hard, this felt like a return to the classic build up episodes that we know all too well from earlier seasons. That's not to say it was void of anything cool, and as a matter of fact it was pretty great as far as setup episodes go, but the pacing wasn't as "holy shit, wait what?" as we've become accustomed to so far this year.
So I'm gonna do this by going location by location, not necessarily in chronological order. It'll basically be like the map in the opening credits, jump from land to land and check in on what sort of shit-showery (not like a shower, like show, idiot) is going down in each location. In the words of Sly Stallone in Tango and Cash, let's do it.
Let's start with where the show began, The Wall ("wait you said you weren't going chronologi/" yeah I know what I fucking said, okay? I'm sort of doing both, I just didn't feel like writing that all out, but now I have, so are you happy, asshole? Everyone else who got what was happening just had to waste three sentences of extra reading on your dumbness. Hope it was worth it...). Jumping right back in to Jonny boy was a nice start to the episode. We all know that GOT is notorious for the "yeah remember that huge thing that happened last week?! Fuck you, we're not gonna show you anything about it" move. Removing that suspense early was nice*. Also, we found out that Jonny's little Jon is in fact just that. Little. Which is great. Big dick hubris is the worst kind of hubris. Taking that sort of over-confidence out of the equation for the Snowman is even more reassurance that this guy is the guy you want as your leader. Much easier to be selfless without the burden of a huge hog. Trust me**.
Other than dick size, we find out that Jon was pretty lucid during the whole getting murdered thing. Which made me ask the question in my brain: if you got murdered and then resurrected by a hot lady who's really actually an old lady who's way less hot (still hot), would you want to remember it or no? I answered quickly, obviously yes, if for no other reason than you want to remember the bastards who knifed you, but I guess the only reason I thought of it was because it must really hurt to die, especially if you get stabbed by like a million swords, so if remembering that experience also brings that level of pain back to the surface then that would blow. I'd still want to remember it all, but if every time it crossed my mind my stomach felt like it got skewered, may not be as cool of a memory as you'd think.
Then to the big stuff: Fuck you, Olly! Everyone's least favorite kid since Joffrey, Olly met a gruesome ending last night to what I'm sure was the delight of most. I will say this though, it's tough to see a kid hanging and like purple faced and all dead. He was a dick, sure, and at the end of the day good riddance, bro, but still, I think it's more a testament to this show that they always are able to at least slightly humanize everyone at some point before their demise. My theory is that it's still all a part of their sadistic show writing ways, just can't let us enjoy watching a bad guy die. We always gotta feel a little bad for them first. And that kid DID have a tough go at life. Parents raped and murdered and eaten right in front of him when he's little, his hero basically let's the guy's who did it stroll in to his new home and set up shop, I guess you can't say you don't get it from his standpoint. But have some more faith in Mr. Snow, son. He's got it covered. No reason to go getting all stabby and end up a dead fish. Also, would've LOVED it if Jon had like a little shit talk speech prepped before cutting that rope.
Jon: Well, well, well, looky here!" (takes of his shirt, starts clutching his scars in fake agony before starting to laugh maniacally) "Fucked that one up, huh guys? Don't worry though, don't worry, we'll figure this out. You're my brothers, and we all gotta stand together against this new threat and... I'm sorry I can't even say that with a straight face. You guys are real dead, come on. Uh... anyway, any last words?
First guy: You should be dead/
Jon: Noted. Not dead. Good observation, next!
Next guy: I have a son and wife, can you get this letter to/
Jon: Nope! Next.
Thorne: I did what I thought was ri/
Jon: /was right, yeah yeah got it. Welp, you were wrong fuckface. Olly, what's your deal? Anything to say? (Olly opens his mouth to talk) Okay great! And bye! (Cuts the rope)
Something like that would've been a bit more my speed. But hey, the deed was done so I'm not complaining. We think that's the climax but then wait, what's this? Jonny "We Must Protect This House" Snow is out? Peacing on his boys at The Wall? Looks like it, and I say fuckin good! Bout time. We need the true people's champ to get out in the world and start really affecting shit. I'm pumped as hell to see where Jon goes next and what sort of heroics are gonna follow. Jon Snow, our own Westerosi Last Action Hero.
Whoa, that was a lot on The Wall. But then again it's the most interesting place right now, so I'll go quicker on the others.
Still not much changing here. The Sparrow seems to be on a mission to sneaky gain some favor in the Red Keep, Cersei got a hold of Varis' "little birds" (anybody else think Oliver Twist? Varis is some weird bald and ball-less Fagin? It fits), Zombie Mountain doesn't seem to in to kids, and Tommen is still a bitch boy king. Honestly, there's not much more to it than that. That's not to say it's not interesting, it is, but in a "okay this is boiling up to be something epic", but we're still heating up that kettle, so to speak. Ugh, fuck me. Let's move on.
WEIRD DOTHRAKI WIDOWS CLUBHOUSE
Don't know what's going on here, don't care for it at all, and all I know is that Friend Zone and The Guy Who Used To Be Played By The Bad Guy In Deadpool better find Khaleesi fast, cus that looks like a real deadly version of Real Housewives going on up in that bitch. Can't be having the Mother of Dragons dealing with that sort of riff raff for much longer, especially when said riff raff seem to hate the fact that she even exists and don't look like they're trying to make friends any time soon. Oh and also, Friend Zone is turning in to a rock person or some shit, so yeah pick up the pace, bro. You got shit to do before you go all Never Ending Story on us (valid reference).
HOUSE OF THE FACELESS GOD
Is that the name of this place? I feel like it is, and if it isn't well you're welcome for the badass name. Anyway, Arya is now Daredevil, except she gets her eyes back too, so she's like Double Dare. What is happening to me? Moving on. This seems to be a common theme in most storylines, but yet again, we don't know what the fuck is really going on here, but I can tell you that we know it's badass. When I was watching with friends last night (yeah, I have friends, no big deal), the common thought was that she's got to drop "Arya Stark" some time in the future when she's asked "What is your name?" The theory that she's hoodwinking this guy all along was pretty prevalent. And I think I agree, but that order is so mysterious and attractive in some way, that maybe she is buying in 100%? For the sake of watching her skewer Walder Frey I'm hoping she's still got Arya in there, but then again I think she's on to some badassery either way so I'm just pumped to see where she goes.
(I gave up on pictures, blame SquareSpace. The shit won't load)
Tyrion's drunk and funny, Varis is schemey as shit, Greyworm is still boring (seriously, give this guy more shit to do. Such an interesting idea for a character that so far has yielded very little in terms of progression), and Missandei is still the most underratedly beautiful woman in the Seven Kingdoms. Seems like some progress is being made on the whole "who the fuck are these Harpee people?" front, so that's good, and I'm curious to see where the crossover will be in storylines with the Lannister's acquiring some of Varis' old "birds". That has to come back, and I'm hoping it doesn't mean the demise of the Spider, cus I think we can all agree he's one of the best characters the show boasts.
Oh, shit? Is that Rickon? With Ramsay?.... He'll be fine.
That's what approximately none of us thought as we watched that last night. Hey, wildling lady, what the fuck? Weren't you in charge of the kid? You're like a master woods person, how are you going and getting caught near the place you basically worked and lived in most of your life? Good work, dumb dumb, you just made one of the most innocent characters on the show a prime candidate for Reek 2.0. But to be honest, I think Ramsay may have a different plan for Rickon. Maybe I'm just being hopeful, and it wouldn't surprise me if I'm dead fucking wrong on this, but I actually think Ramsay may go dad style on Rickon. Sort of a Hook and Jack scenario, you know, from Hook. Best way to get the masses on your side? Make a Stark your ward and actually have him in your corner. Not just pretend in your corner. And he's young enough that behind the scenes Ramsay can manipulate his poor mind and turn him in to a little Ramsay Jr. As I'm typing this, I'm realizing this may be an even worse scenario for Rickon than being tortured and flayed, but hey, Peter Pan swooped in and saved Jack before the transformation was complete, so who's to say Jonny Snow can't do the same for Little Ricky? In my scenario, at least he has some time bought for him. But yeah if that is Ramsay's plan and it comes to fruition... that would suck.
And finally, we find ourselves back in Bran's brain for the much anticipated return of Ned Stark. Bit of let down, huh? I mean the fight was sick, not talking about the scene, but not exactly the heroism we, or Bran for that matter, would've hoped for from Neddy boy. I mean, look, stories get skewed as they're told, and to be honest I couldn't give two shits how you kill a guy, stab him in the back is a-ok in my book if he's dumb enough to not notice you, but when you look at the character of Ned you expect honor to be a bit higher on the priority list. I mean the guy got his head chopped off for no other reason than his honor. Straight up murdered for it. So to see him in a dishonorable act, coupled by the fact that we know he basically allowed the stories of his victory to be told for years to come, just puts out a sort of "well what the fuck, Ned? You're just a guy, why go get your head chopped for honor's sake?" vibe. And then the baby cries... Who's that baby? Who's the mom? R + L = J! Are all the nerd rumors true? Clearly we'll find out, and if you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about then google it, dude.
So that was basically it. A lot to be said for a show I described as mostly setup, but hey when you've got like 2 billion plot lines to discuss that'll happen. As I said before, on to next week, but solid setting up, GOT.
P.S. Oh yeah, Sam and Gilly. Poor poor Sam. "Gilly, you're a sweetheart, I love ya, but seriously, I'm sick as fuck and I cannot take your whole 'See vs. Sea' talk right now, or whatever the fuck you're saying. I know I said I'd never leave your side, but like, I got us two rooms on this boat and just.. can you just let me be for like 5 fucking seconds!" How I imagine his brain is functioning 24/7 on that boat.
*Anyone else thinking this season has started almost too nice? I mean it hasn't been a cheap nice or felt like appeasement, but I'm more saying it fuckin scares me. GOT is being like super nice to us early on, so it's just making me feel more like "we're so fucked this season" as each episode passes and no bad stuff happens.
** I too am super selfless.